There is nothing more devastating for a child than feeling inadequate in the eyes of their parents. As parents, we try to stand behind our children, cheering their efforts and hiding our frustrations. Although there are sometimes when being disappointed in your children is valid, it may be hard to decide how to react to this feeling.
For things such as a missed soccer goal, or a less-than-perfect dance recital, it seems cruel to show disappointment in your children’s efforts. This is especially true since you are most likely disappointed for them, not in them. At the same time, showing frustration for things like a poor report card or staying out past curfew, is often warranted. By that logic, the most important key is to determine when it is appropriate to be and/or show disappointment.
You probably know that it feels terrible when your parents are disappointed in you from your own experiences. Many children and teens feel the need to compensate for their parents’ disappointment. They go out of their way to make the situation “better.” They may offer to do extra chores, spend an abnormal amount of time studying, or simply hide when things have gone wrong.
What you need to realize though is that you can’t let your disappointments – warranted or not – impact their self-esteem. Putting too much pressure on children to excel in sports, education, or other extracurricular activities can put unnecessary stress on them. This can cause mental instability and create horrible problems – depression and low self-worth in the most common cases, and things like cutting and eating disorders in extreme cases.
The next time you are disappointed about something related to your children ask yourself – is this feeling warranted? If at all possible, take a moment to consider the answer before reacting to any given situation.
In times where you’re disappointed for them, let them bring up their feelings before you tell them yours. For example, before you say anything about a school crush not reciprocating or that they missed the winning touchdown – let them approach you with how they feel about the situation. In the event they are displaying feelings of disheartenment, you can ask them to share their feelings and use encouraging words to make them feel better. Refraining from reacting first in these situations will help reduce the chances of them feeling at fault, or like they’ve done something wrong.
Even when you’re disappointed in them – do your best to think about it and communicate effectively rather than reacting from an emotional place. The sting of you sharing you’re upset with them, and the discipline you deliver will already be there – there’s no need to make the situation worse with screaming or overreactions.
It can be hard at times, but no one ever said parenting would be easy. Still, communication, thinking before reacting, and maintaining a positive home environment will all go a long way in helping to raise emotionally healthy children.
Hammond Psychology and Associates is the go-to resource for residents seeking psychological evaluations from a licensed psychologist in the Tampa Bay area. Click here to learn more about our Psychological Testing services in our Brandon location.