One of the most devastating things I’m hearing about the quarantine is the number of couples that are ready to end things with their partners because they are tired of being “stuck with them.” While most of us across the country are under stay-at-home orders, that means many of us are spending more time together with our spouses and partners than usual, and for some, it’s getting to be too much. With that in mind, here’s some solid advice for getting along with your partner during the quarantine.
Perhaps the best advice right now is to spend a little time apart. Now, this might be a little shocking, but psychologist Gay Hendricks explains why this is so important quite well in his book “The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level.”
In it, he says, “A close relationship stirs up powerful transformative energies, and you need lots of rest time to integrate the rapid-fire stimulation that a relationship provides. If you can learn to take time off from the relationship consciously, you won’t need to do it unconsciously by starting arguments and engaging in other intimacy-destroying moves. Go on solo walks, take in a movie by yourself, spend an afternoon doing whatever the spirit moves you to do. These periods of battery-charging alone time give you the ability to master longer and longer periods of closeness when you’re in union with your beloved…”
He continues, “Make sure you take plenty of time for yourself, in a space apart from your partner. It could even be in the next room, so long as the intention is to nurture the independent part of you. Human beings have twin drives of equal power: the urge to merge and the urge to be an autonomous person. For a relationship to thrive, both drives need to be celebrated.”
You might be wondering – how exactly can I follow this advice while stuck at home with my partner? For starters, you can walk around your neighborhood without them. Like Dr. Hendricks mentioned, you could go into another room and watch a movie (or read a book, or journal) by yourself. If you live in a small studio apartment, the solo walk may be easier, but you can still find ways to enjoy time apart.
Perhaps one of you can do the grocery run while the other stays home. Maybe one can walk the dog while to other indulges in a bubble bath. Even just sitting on opposite ends of the couch playing on your phone or tablet with headphones could provide all the “alone” time you need.
Another important bit of advice I can offer is to remember why you fell in love in the first place. Remember each date you went on, and how it felt when you were getting ready to meet up. Think about the sweet times and the joy you have brought each other over the weeks, months, or even the years.
Finally, I have to share my favorite piece of advice that I’ve said over and over again that helps solve a plethora of problems, and that is to communicate! It’s okay for you to be upset and stressed, but you have to communicate your feelings with your partner. Don’t blame, judge, or be mean. Refrain from projecting your problems onto one another, and try not to assume you know how each other feels. Take the time to share with one another exactly how you are feeling and why. As you’re communicating, go back to the bit I just mentioned about remembering why you fell in love.
Though this quarantine feels never-ending for some people, remember that it will end, and in the end, it really is a small block of time in your relationship. Don’t let the stress you’re feeling about the bigger situation destroy the special bond that you and your partner have.