Divorce is nearly always a traumatic event. When children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage is especially difficult. How you tell your children about the impending divorce is critical in their ability to adjust to the dramatic change about to occur in their lives. While there is no easy way to talk about divorce, there is a mature way to handle the changes about to take place.
Both parents should be together to announce that a divorce is very likely or that you have filed for a divorce. The ages of your children will determine what terms you use and how much you tell them. For children aged four and under, the word “divorce” is confusing. It’s best to simply explain that mommy and daddy will be living in different places. As much as they can understand, tell them when they will be visiting or staying overnight with each parent. No matter what age your child is, do not express that the two of you have stopped loving each other. Children will often fear that either or both of you will stop loving them as well.
Older children will usually better understand what divorce is, and are more likely to realize that their lives will change in many ways. Their security is being removed, and they will often have feelings of great sadness, fear, and even anger. Allow your children to express their feelings as long as they are respectful in doing so. Explain that none of your children are responsible for the decision to divorce, and that it was a choice between you and your spouse.
Understand that children will often place blame on one of the parents for these changes in their life. That is why it’s best if you explain to them that both parents have decided to end the marriage. Be as respectful as possible to your spouse as you share with them what is happening. Even if it’s a nasty divorce, try as hard as you can to keep it civil in front of the children.
Answer questions your children have about the changes that will take place in their life. Tell them where they will live, how often they will see the non-custodial parent, and about changes that will affect their after-school activities. Explain any changes that may occur in your current financial situation as a result of this divorce as well. However, do your best to assure them that you and your spouse will work to keep any changes as painless as possible.
If there will be new people in their life, such as boyfriends and girlfriends or step-parents, discuss it with your children, and listen to their feelings and concerns. It is often best for new relationships to wait until children have settled into a new routine, but if this is not possible, make sure you keep the lines of communication open, and that you are there for them throughout the process of everything that is happening. This may mean letting them cry, listening to their fears, or just holding them and reassuring them that everything will be alright.
Whatever personal reasons for your divorce, do not share information that will embarrass your child, or make your soon to be ex look bad in front of them. Refrain from sharing information they are too young to deal with as well.
Most importantly, do not ask your children to choose sides. Your children love both of you. Remember, your child is not divorcing your spouse, you are. It is critical that you and your spouse respect each other, so that your children will continue to respect each of you. Remember, your child had every right to expect their parents to remain married throughout their lifetime. They might be sad, angry, confused, frightened, and/or withdrawn.
Do not tell your child how to feel about the divorce. Listen to their concerns and answer questions without putting down the other parent. A divorce can be a better situation for your child if you handle their fears and uncertainty with honesty and respect.
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