The anticipation of the holidays without your loved one is often harder than the holiday itself. This is especially true during the first year after losing someone. Even years later, the grief and pain can surface during the holidays. With that in mind, here are some ways you can cope with experiencing the holidays when your loved ones are no longer with you.
Don’t dismiss your feelings, or the feelings of your friends and family members. Because grief is a strange thing, some people try to gloss over the fact that uncle Bill or cousin Suzy isn’t at the table. This can be awkward for everyone in the room. Instead, acknowledge their absence, and let anyone who wants to share their feelings do so.
If children are involved, it’s even more important that you allow open discussions of feelings. When a child loses a loved one, they need to know it’s safe to talk about how it’s impacting them. Ask questions, let them share their thoughts, and really listen to their responses.
Share fond memories of the loved one. This can be difficult at first, and there may be tears shed over it, but sharing the good memories is critical for coping. Too many people think it would be better to avoid talking about them at all, and have a misconception that this will help the ones closest to the lost family member to deal. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The reality is, they want to laugh and cry, and have all the good times, and even some of the bad talked about. It’s okay to bring up the hilarious time grandma mistook the salt for sugar and ruined the eggnog. Share the story about when aunt Jenny overcooked the turkey and you had to eat only the side dishes.
These memories help us feel connected to our loved ones we’ve lost. And, they help us to feel more connected to those friends and family members that are still here with us.
Make a special ornament in their honor for the tree, or put a picture of the person at the table or in the room. Simple things like this can help loved ones feel like they are still sharing the holiday with family members that have passed away.
Avoid doing too much, especially in the first year after a difficult loss. Signing up to host the company holiday party, or offering to bake all the cookies for your child’s sports team could put undue stress on you. It’s understandable to want to keep busy, but don’t forget you need time to heal. Piling a bunch of stressful activities onto yourself right now could do more harm than good.
Give yourself extra time for self care. Don’t try to be strong for everyone else. Take time to care for yourself first. If you need a few additional moments alone to cry or think, it’s okay. You don’t have to “suck it up,” “get over it,” or “move on.”
You are allowed to grieve in your own way. Just make sure that however you are grieving, you continue to eat meals, drink plenty of water, and get enough rest. Even when it hurts, or you don’t feel like it, you must take care of yourself.
Finally, if you are having trouble coping, you might want to seek help. In other words, when coping becomes too difficult, it could be a good idea to get a counselor. Sometimes just having an unbiased source not connected to your family in any way is all you need to openly discuss your feelings. Other times, a counselor may give you exercises and practices to help you heal that aren’t obvious to you right now.
It’s never easy losing a loved one, and the holidays are often the hardest times to deal with loss. You may never feel the same again without them. That’s okay. The important thing is to take things one day at a time, and adjust to your new normal as best as you can. Grief is a strange beast, but hopefully these ideas help you to tame it this holiday season.